Remake is Few Men Short of a Kingdom

By now, everyone who saw Steven Zaillian's remake of All the King's Men should be able to confidently tell you about basic plot points and character motivations. See, Sean Penn is a hick with a strong sense of right and wrong. He drinks orange soda instead of alcohol. And Jude Law is there too. And, uh, then the guy from "The Sopranos" tricks Sean Penn. But Sean Penn becomes governor anyway. Then he makes the Sopranos guy his deputy governor. For some reason. I guess Sean Penn turned evil somehow. There's also a lake with Kate Winslet. And there's a lot of religious imagery. And then Jude Law betrays Anthony Hopkins. For some reason. Jude Law is really upset the whole movie. And there's this clanging sound effect that signals the building tension between characters; you'll hear that at the end of every scene. Um, then Mark Ruffalo builds a hospital. Clang. Jude Law says a lot of really profound stuff. He never really stops talking. Clang. Jesus imagery. Some hot girl does a dance on ice skates. Uh, then Sean Penn gets killed. Clang. But I'm pretty sure his prosthetic chin lives on. Vindicated.