Bedbug Outbreak in NYC

By now, even the naughtiest little boy knows that all his mommy wants him to do after tucking him in at night is to not let the bedbugs bite. Easily done, right? I never had a problem. Bedbugs - I learned early on - are funny because they're one of those "nearly eradicated" afflictions, like polio and Dutch elm disease. They barely exist. But guess what? They're back. The New York Times reports that the city’s Department of Housing Preservation and Development received 4,638 complaints about bedbugs this year. That's nearly five times the number of complaints received last year. I don't have to tell you that if this trend continues, by the year 2050, bedbugs will outnumber rats, mice, pigeons, cockroaches, lice, ants, spiders, turkeys, gnats, and grains of sand that have ever fallen on your sleepy little eyes combined. What could have possibly caused this sudden outbreak? Well, Ryan Trainer, a lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association, places the blame on the sale of reconditioned mattresses. “The filth from the used mattress that lies just beneath the new fabric cover of a reconditioned product can be astounding,” said Ryan Trainer, lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association. Yes, Ryan Trainer, lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association, it is astounding, but it's also something I believe I've heard before. Now, where was it? Oh, yes, I remember. It was I who said it. I wrote a letter to the Salvation Army National Headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, which is dated March 19, 2002, and it said: "I do believe you are selling a large number of reconditioned mattresses... If you continue to sell these filthy things at the rate you do, I see no other conclusion than a sudden outbreak of bedbugs." I then forwarded my letter to bedbug expert Ryan Trainer, who's a lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association. And then I drank some breast milk from my mom's tit. Still. Vindicated.