Fetuses Can Be Such Pussies These Days

By now, the general public has begun cottoning on to the idea of protecting their unborn children by wearing hip, trendy radiation wave-repellent maternity wear.

But not me, sir. Just look at the women on this website – not a single one of them actually appears pregnant, which of course begs the question: is today's hip, trendy, radiation wave-repellent maternity wear all part of a wider scheme to force pregnant women to maintain unrealistic body shapes at all times in their life, even when they are heavy with the seeds of the next generation? Is that the way it is? The collective will of the men of the world forces women into believing they lack beauty unless they fit into a set of media-defined measurements, and then when they briefly attain that elusive state, the men jump all over them, scrambling to be the first to impregnate them. Then when that's over, it's not enough to simply bring the offspring to term -- now she has to do it while looking like Jessica Alba. It's wrong, and the proliferation of radiation wave-repellent maternity wear websites only furthers this cycle of abuse. Every maiesiophiliaic in my pregnancy fetish webring frankly thinks it's appalling that you can't visit a maternity wear website these days for self-stimulation purposes without being confronted with these unrealistic body images. We call this a society??

And then there's the radiation wave-repellent part, which is a whole other ball of wax. I fondly remember my mother telling me stories about how she would like to eat microwave burritos while she was pregnant with me. She was so eager for the burritos, she said, that she would stand rapt in front of the microwave while they cooked, no doubt bombarding me with innumerable waves of radiation. But here I am today, an intact, functioning member of society with absolutely no unusual paraphilias.

In fact, radiation waves in general have been unfairly getting way too much flak these days. All anyone talks about are the syndromes they cause, so of course they seem bad. But it's a plain fact that for every ten mothers that gives birth to a little, green incredible hulk, there's one that gives birth to a GRAY hulk. The gray hulk is super-intelligent. Vindicated.