Hang in There, Big Red

By now, you've heard that scientists discovered evidence of water on Mars, and you probably think that means the planet could have some form of life on it. It's very likely that it does. I sure hope it does. We all do. But I have to be honest with you. The likelihood that Mars will suddenly wake up - with all the spirit and vigor from those Ray Bradbury stories you used to read as a kid under the covers late at night - is pretty slim. Even if we are able to find signs of life, all those eons of dehydration and neglect have surely rendered it enfeebled, at best. To be honest, I doubt any lifeforms would even have the capacity to recognize us, should we ever venture to the red, lonely planet. We have two choices, it seems. We can either sit back and watch our old, withered friend slip into the abyss, one painful gasp at a time. Or we can do what's merciful and end this death watch right now. By my calculations, a steady bombing campaign against the surface of Mars that unloads at least five hydrogen bombs a week, every week, should effectively demolish enough of the crust to jolt it out of orbit and hurtling toward the sun by the end of this century. At this point it's the only decent thing to do. Well, you tell that to these Republican politico big-wigs and see what happens. Just try to get them to utter the word "decency" and see if they don't spit up a piece of their black hearts with it. Makes me sick. Vote Nader. Vindicated.