What to Do with the World's Tallest Man

By now, you must have heard about Bao Xishun and the heroic way he saved two dolphins by reaching in their throats and removing shards of plastic from their stomachs. The dolphins' handlers called in Bao when long mechanical prehensile arms and the Heimlich didn't work. Bao has since been praised by fellow Guinness World Record holders for elevating himself above the "freak" status so commonly associated with those awards. Because of the stunt, Bao now stands in the running to receive another world record - Most Amount of Actual Good Done with a Guinness-Lauded Grotesque Disability or Ostracizing Collection. But the competition is stiff. Top competitors include Niek K. Vermeulen of the Netherlands - who used his largest collection of airplane vomit bags to successfully carry 29 baby softshell turtles to safety from a burning pet store - and Stephen Clarke of Orlando - who performed several emergency cesarian sections on a parents-to-be cruise that went skerry-logged off the coast of South America, no doubt aided by his world-record fastest pumpkin carving time. The Guinness World Records Association has done a lot to boost the self-esteem of social outcasts - disfigured either by God or their own obsessions - and given them cause to celebrate their plight as if it were an achievement. After so much coddling, it's time now for these monsters to give something back. It's like Michele Santelia of Campobasso, Italy, said, "Sevlesmeht morf su naht egnarts ssel esoht tcetorp tsum ew." (He holds the world record for most books typed backwards (56) and as Mussolini's top code-cracker is given much credit for an Allied win on that front.) Freaks, your malformations can serve some purpose. I congratulate you, Bao, for taking this first step and hope it's not too little, too late. I think your next move should be to reach those gangly limbs down into my stomach and pull out some vindication.