Now THIS Shit Will Do It
By now, I’ve finished one crackerjack of a college application essay for you. It's very Amy Tan. That's great. Bearded Princeton admissions officers eat that shit for breakfast.
At first I thought I would just tighten the language a bit but then for some reason I got involved with it and readjusted the introduction, which was all over the place in terms of relevant retrievable content. You'll also notice I removed a lot of your (stretched) similes, metaphors and rhetorical questions. They jumble the text up so much. If you want to say it, just say it. There are plenty of sufficient words out there to do it. Economize! Your audience is a couple of know-it-alls in a hurry and they don't want to untangle nests of likes and as ifs, and they most certainly don't want to waste time wondering why you didn't choose the most appropriate word. That's also why I removed several thesarusisms.
I removed several distracting details, such as in the introduction where I softened the attention to the meathook. That was offputting enough to give me a momentary flicker of gruesomeness. That's not good. Also in the introduction, I added the language describing your father as a fisherman. Unless you already offered your father's occupation elsewhere in the application, don't change this. If you need to, describe the occupation as something clearly symbolic of the working class - there are plenty of words out there to downgrade even the most prestigious of jobs. But make sure to retain the accompanying sensory detail; that keeps with the logic in the first two sentences about describing the few details you remember.
I also hid your presence a lot more. This helps because previously many portions of the essay smacked of self-indulgence and self-promotion. I realize that may not have been your intention, but it came out that way through your arrangement of ideas. I humbled you also by describing your many talents as "unwanted." That also helps.
I completely rewrote your schmaltzy ending. Now the very last word keys into the essay's topic. That's hard to do. I also stated in very economical, precise wording your thesis - that is, without exactly stating it. These beards want to be teased just so; they don't want it to hit them over the heads, yes, but likewise they don't want to spend half a minute recalling your earlier "clues." This is your money shot. Pander to them.
Vindicated.
By now, I’ve finished one crackerjack of a college application essay for you. It's very Amy Tan. That's great. Bearded Princeton admissions officers eat that shit for breakfast.
At first I thought I would just tighten the language a bit but then for some reason I got involved with it and readjusted the introduction, which was all over the place in terms of relevant retrievable content. You'll also notice I removed a lot of your (stretched) similes, metaphors and rhetorical questions. They jumble the text up so much. If you want to say it, just say it. There are plenty of sufficient words out there to do it. Economize! Your audience is a couple of know-it-alls in a hurry and they don't want to untangle nests of likes and as ifs, and they most certainly don't want to waste time wondering why you didn't choose the most appropriate word. That's also why I removed several thesarusisms.
I removed several distracting details, such as in the introduction where I softened the attention to the meathook. That was offputting enough to give me a momentary flicker of gruesomeness. That's not good. Also in the introduction, I added the language describing your father as a fisherman. Unless you already offered your father's occupation elsewhere in the application, don't change this. If you need to, describe the occupation as something clearly symbolic of the working class - there are plenty of words out there to downgrade even the most prestigious of jobs. But make sure to retain the accompanying sensory detail; that keeps with the logic in the first two sentences about describing the few details you remember.
I also hid your presence a lot more. This helps because previously many portions of the essay smacked of self-indulgence and self-promotion. I realize that may not have been your intention, but it came out that way through your arrangement of ideas. I humbled you also by describing your many talents as "unwanted." That also helps.
I completely rewrote your schmaltzy ending. Now the very last word keys into the essay's topic. That's hard to do. I also stated in very economical, precise wording your thesis - that is, without exactly stating it. These beards want to be teased just so; they don't want it to hit them over the heads, yes, but likewise they don't want to spend half a minute recalling your earlier "clues." This is your money shot. Pander to them.
Vindicated.
posted by Vindicated at 8:06 AM
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