It's a Vindication, Miami Style

By now, David Caruso's pregnant pause has given birth to a bouncing baby afterthought, with ten fingers and ten toes. When asked by the Nielsen Ratings how it feels to be a first-time father, the 50-year-old star of CSI: Miami responded by lifting his characteristic Joe Cool shades and revealed that his eye sockets are actually the undiscovered 665th and 666th portals to hell. The spokesperson from Nielsen Media Research dropped to his knees and crossed himself, begging for mercy. Mr. Caruso then created a swirling ball of flame erupt from a catheter and shot it at the man. Upon hitting the man's skin, the flames turned into tickle bugs, which then proceeded to tickle the man to a bloody death. The scene was witnessed from afar by Dr. Jafar Ramkavi, who reported that the Nielson spokesman seemed "very cowardly ... like a baby ostrich looking for a hole in the sand." Mr. Caruso said he would take time off from his popular TV show to spend time with his family. Vindicated.