Hey Ladies, Mr. Lotto Is Here: Scratch On!

By now, your dad must have warmed up to your boyfriend. Oh, he hasn't? You guys broke up? Well, shoot. Hey, you want me to set you up with someone? Let me tell you about an old friend of mine. Stephen Allensworth has been writing about the lottery since 1983, and is one of the few recognized experts on lottery. During all this time, he has strictly maintained his independence and tried to be objective about all lottery matters, and he has never worked for a lottery or a lottery vendor. "I consider myself a player advocate, not a lottery advocate," he says. "I try to report fairly on all lottery games, and give you the good and bad." He currently writes a weekly column for the New York Daily News. He is also the publisher of New York's "Lotto News" and "3&4 Digit Lotto Stats." Both of these biweekly publications are sold at most lottery agents.
You must be thinking: why does this guy need a friend to set him up on a date? And I honestly don't have a very good answer for you. I figure, here's a harmless-looking guy; he's got a passion for numbers, and he's got a soft, smooth scalp, plus the knowledge that could win you millions! This guy shouldn't be able to walk into a 7-Eleven without at least a couple of hunnies removing their bras. I asked him recently why he couldn't get a date when other rich guys with beards find dates all the time. He told me that he's not actually rich. He's never even won a single mega-million. He's never been interested in "winning" the lottery; he just loves making other people believe they can. And apparently, if you want to compare lottery experts to other number-crunching professionals such as accounts or bankers, even bookies, lottery experts are actually the lowest rung of that totem pole. You see, I-bankers are to lottery experts what doctors are to the guys who take out the hazardous waste materials and steal syringes to sell to drug addicts. I was shocked. Well, ladies, let me tell you, if you want a nice man who loves numbers and loves picking them at random and also writing about it, but a man who is also gentle enough to not use his awesome powers for material gain, then please contact my friend right now. Isn't it about time Mr. Lotto got lucky? Vindicated.