G.O.P. Leader Holds Private Caucus With Child

By now, which nubile young stud who hangs around the halls of congress hasn't received a suggestive email from Mark Foley? When a G.O.P. leader takes you to his hotel room and tells you "this never happened," the least you can expect is one last bawdy email reminding you of that one glorious night in paradise. I learned this three years ago, a week after my fourteenth birthday, when Dennis Hastert walked down those marble steps and gave me the old stink-eye. I met him at the Banana Cafe, we had a lovely evening, and the next morning, all I wanted was a little token of appreciation from bluemoutain.com. And that's exactly what I got. God bless you, Dennis Hastert. And to Mark Foley: sir, you are a scoundrel. I move to be vindicated.

Queen Moves to Pee Now

By now, Vladimir Kramnik should be finished. He's been in there an hour. Well, the world chess championship got backed up today when officials locked current leader Kramnik out of his private restroom after charges of cheating by his opponent, Veselin Topalov. Kramnik was insulted and refused to play. "This is below my dignity," he said as a discolored spot appeared and grew larger on the front of his khakis. Before the lock-out, Kramnik reportedly took excessively long trips to the restroom. I don't see why his behavior was allowed to continue for so long. Everybody knows the Kramnik Toilet Takedown is the oldest way to cheat in the book. Basically, you go to the restroom, think about your strategy really hard, go back to the table, and hopefully by then your opponent will be asleep, so you can move around any pieces you like. Vindicated.

A Long Look Back: I Was Right All Along, The Best Of

By now, we need to take a moment to reflect. We've been up and running for - well, let's see, what's it been - geez, it's been nearly two months already. Time sure does fly. And we sure have had some great times. We shared some laughs, spilled some tears, sang some songs. Sigh. You know, it's funny how much things change, and yet their essential elements remain constant. Hey, remember when we said this:

Pluto Not a Planet

By now, the world is aware that pluto is not a planet (de-capitalization intended). I'd like to take this time to point out that I was right again. In 1983, I wrote, and I quote: "Pluto is, at best, nothing more than a 'dwarf planet.' A 'dwarf planet' should be described as a celestial body that has all planet-like qualities but does not carve out it's own orbital space. I'm sorry, that's the long and short of it." I was right. Vindicated.

Gosh, those were good times. Well, I raise a glass to the past two months and all the future two months ahead. Salud. Vindicated.

Thais Tickled at Tanks

By now, anyone can see that Thailand really knows how to stage a coup. Not too long ago, the prime minister was ousted by current military leader Gen. Sondhi Boonyaratkalin, and not a single drop of blood was shed. Thai royalty gave its blessing to the new leader. Even the ousted prime minister seems to be doing okay; he's not putting up much of a fuss, but instead, he sits quietly and contemplates a very different version of his twilight years. It seems the biggest problem this new government is facing is ... go-go dancers that hang out in front of the tanks. Yes, there are tanks symbolically positioned in front of various government buildings, and just like moths to an armored tank, hordes of sexy young girls with hot pants and an itch to scratch have gathered to give those camouflaged grunts a flash of their swirly tom yum goong. It's kind of like when those riot control guys line up at rowdy war protest in Washington, D.C., and then all the girls take their tops off and start humping the police horses. Well, Thailand is no different. It got so out of control that sexy dancers were banned from hanging out in front of tanks on Wednesday, and the following day, the government went a step further and banned people dressed up like Japanese superheroes. Now, I want you to mark my words. Listen when I tell you that this is only step two in a long march toward banning all freedoms of expression in front of Thai military vehicles. Soon, you will see. I will be vindicated.

Breath Taken Away

By now, everyone knows the capital of a state of mind-bendingly erotic entertainment starts with the letters Cirque du Soleil. There is nothing these animals can't do. They are freaky. I heard there was a marathon on Bravo tonight, so I cancelled my
appointments, did a mask, and sat my little tush right in front of that tube. These men in orange spandex just hopped right on top of each other, and then they flipped, and they flipped, and they flipped and flipped. I was this close to fainting. And then they flipped again, so I died. I died and went to heaven. I'm writing to you from heaven now. My God, those men. But I saw their potential way back in 1984 when they were formed to commemorate the 450th anniversary of Jacques Cartier's discovery of Canada. Vindicated.

Brave Old Man Exposes Himself to Class

By now, everyone knows that taboos were made to be challenged. It's a basic human liberty to challenge taboos, and right now, that basic freedom is ... well, it's being challenged. Today, 56-year-old Mo Xiaoxin, assistant professor at a university in Changzhou, in the eastern Jiangsu province of China, exposed himself during a lecture on the body as art form. During the lecture, Mo was joined by an elderly man and woman, and also a young man and woman. He then encouraged his students to likewise take off their clothes. "I'm glad Professor Mo feels so comfortable with his body," said one student. "He made me realize how destructive taboos can be." Another said, "My eyes are open! The human body should be free!" By the end of the lecture, the class had created a dance circle, and all the students clapped and swung around the professor's articles of clothing as they chanted, "One Mo Time!" I saw this coming years ago, soon after I moved out of my parents' home and had to do laundry. I knew this clothes fetish wouldn't last. The revolution has started, one old prune-like Chinese man at a time. Vindicated.

Remake is Few Men Short of a Kingdom

By now, everyone who saw Steven Zaillian's remake of All the King's Men should be able to confidently tell you about basic plot points and character motivations. See, Sean Penn is a hick with a strong sense of right and wrong. He drinks orange soda instead of alcohol. And Jude Law is there too. And, uh, then the guy from "The Sopranos" tricks Sean Penn. But Sean Penn becomes governor anyway. Then he makes the Sopranos guy his deputy governor. For some reason. I guess Sean Penn turned evil somehow. There's also a lake with Kate Winslet. And there's a lot of religious imagery. And then Jude Law betrays Anthony Hopkins. For some reason. Jude Law is really upset the whole movie. And there's this clanging sound effect that signals the building tension between characters; you'll hear that at the end of every scene. Um, then Mark Ruffalo builds a hospital. Clang. Jude Law says a lot of really profound stuff. He never really stops talking. Clang. Jesus imagery. Some hot girl does a dance on ice skates. Uh, then Sean Penn gets killed. Clang. But I'm pretty sure his prosthetic chin lives on. Vindicated.

Detainee Bill Gets All Sense Beaten Out of It

By now, everyone, especially John McCain, knows that President Bush is a low-life thug. But I knew this ever since the days Little Georgie and I went to pre-school together. Every day during the first week of school, Little Georgie said "let's be friends" and then punched me in the nuts. I fell for it every time. But then I got wise and started punching him back. After some time, we both agreed to stop beating each other up. We exchanged baseball caps, spit in our hands, shook on it, and then signed the Geneva Conventions. We became friends. We even got other bullies to sign our Geneva Conventions. And then Georgie scratched his crayon all over Common Article 3. And then other kids on the playground scratched out whatever they wanted. It wasn't long before one day, a bully came by and gave me the worst wedgie I'd ever known. And then he chained me up in a concrete cell, deprived me of sleep and water, desecrated my god, beat me till I blacked out, came on my face, and held me there indefinitely without a trial by jury. Vindicated.

Sleep of the Righteous

By now, the entire apartment building knows my son will not go to sleep. "You've got to discipline your son!" my wife said as she reached for a qualude. I put on my robe, unplugged the TV, and then lugged it over to my son's room. I nearly tripped. My wife didn't budge. I kicked the diaper bag off his dresser and set the TV down. I turned on a DVD and pulled the crib over to where my son could get a good look. He stood up, and I rubbed his back. The crying stopped. I sat down in the beanbag chair and watched my son absorb himself in the flashing screen. I then closed my eyes and let my mind drift. The room and the heavy smell of baby formula began to lift. The baby powder too, and all things white and comforting lifted from my mind. My lungs opened up, and I was running through a forest. A clean blue mist settled over the ground. The sound of water led me past the mossy trees and to the entrance of a cave. A shot of air gushed from the opening and then drew itself back in, as if the earth itself were breathing. My head was light as a hummingbird. I floated deep into the cave and down to a lagoon. And there I met the woman from accounting I would bang on my lunch break tomorrow. Vindicated.

Sci-Fi Train Makes Brief Stop at Reality Junction

By now, everyone knows that magnetic levitation trains are space-age weird. They're straight out of fantasy land. These trains have no source of fuel but instead hover above an electrically charged magnetic track. The creators of the mag-lev said their train would never derail. (A derailment from those tracks, which are held above the ground on 16-foot stilts, would be even more devastating than a derailment of a regular, real-world train.) And so far, the creators have been right. In a crash in northern Germany yesterday, the wreckage never fell off the tracks, but instead, the hellish sight was suspended in mid-air by the tracks' magnetic laser beams. Magical floating trains are something we all need to get used to, but we can't expect new technology to solve the problem of human error. How does that maxim go? That's right: to be a human is to do things erringly. That's so true. There is no way to solve the problem of being human. Unless we build a time machine. I knew this back in 1972 when I woke up on a stranger's couch, the taste of hair in my mouth, and fecal matter all over my feet. "I need a time machine," I said. Vindicated.

H.I.V. Testing Stirs Bitter, Pointless Controversy

By now, even that guy who first had sex with that AIDS-infected monkey knows that getting tested for H.I.V. is a really good thing. Well, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention just issued a recommendation that basically everyone short of nuns and eunichs should be tested. In response, some civil liberties groups and lobbyists for people with AIDS have stamped down their feet. "The CDC wants to do make it easier to get tested and dissolve the stigma attached to having AIDS," said Sheryl Conway, spokesperson for Housewives with AIDS (HAIDS). "But I say, 'Where was the CDC when I got AIDS?' No way, buster, you're not making it easier for these kids to get tested. Not while I'm still alive." Obviously, this opposition makes no sense. But I knew this way back in 1981, when my doctor said at my routine checkup that there's this new disease - a couple people in San Francisco have it, it's not that big a deal - but did I want to get tested anyway? "Doc, you can test me for anything you want," I said. "Ebola, cowpox, mental retardation, lymphogranuloma venereum, whatever. Anyone who opposes voluntary AIDS testing is a sack of shit." Vindicated.

The Little Director That Could

By now, even an Olsen twin can see that Ani Pandit is going somewhere. Pandit is a film director who, like the Olsen twins, attended NYU. That's about where the similarities end. Rumor has it that Ani cast one of them (we'll say it was Ashley-Kate) in one of his student films but had to cut her scene from the final reel. Well, Ashley-Kate got so angry that she started her own nasty rumor about Ani, saying they had dated once, but when she refused to bring in her sister for a threesome, he threw a tantrum. He sobbed and clawed at his face and then hurled her curling iron out the window. When she called the police, he stole her box of Luna bars before running away. But who knows if that's true. The point is the guy makes a mean film, and he's someone to watch out for. Vindicated.

Somehow, Network Still Exists

By now, everyone knows that the Home and Garden Television Network is stuck between a rock and a chromated copper arsenate pressure-treated hard place. You see, to attract viewers, a television network needs to air shows that are engaging, exciting, maybe even challenging, but appealing at the very least; but the dilemma this network faces is that it needs to fill up 24 hours a day with shows about homes and gardens. And the results can be disastrous. I knew this back in 1978, when I sat on the board of the the E.W. Scripps Company and the idea of creating a network devoted to home renovations was first introduced. "We can't make a whole network out of that crap," I said and quickly tried to change the subject. But no one listened. Then, on September 21, 2006, the suckiness of HGTV was undeniably put to fact when Gaard Swanson, host of 'Generation Renovation,' said, "this show really rocks," as he took a seat on a rocking chair. Vindicated.

These Polyrhythms Kick Ass

By now, even that nicely dressed old guy who rides his bike around your neighborhood with a boombox blasting Mendelssohn and a shit-eating grin on his face knows that prog-metal can be bearable. Mastodon's new album, Blood Mountain, proves this. But I knew this way back in 2000, before they even released their first EP. I actually wrote a song for drummer Brann Dailor, in the Autumn of that year, called "You Can Count On My Love, Brann (You're Very Nearly Bearable)." Do I know what "polyrhythms" are? Of course not. But I do know that Mastodon has lots of them, and apparently, that's a good thing. Vindicated.

Chavez: Hey, You Guys, We Should Call Him President Beelze-Bush

By now, even an illiterate South American sugar farmer knows that there's some tension between President Bush and Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez. There's just a certain vibe that Bush puts out when Chavez enters a room. His face goes white, and he intentionally avoids eye contact. And whenever I mention Bush in a non-hateful way, Chavez suddenly goes silent. It's so obvious that something's up. Kofi Annan told me he thought they had a crush on each other, but I told him "no way." And that was way back in 2002. It was shortly after Chavez returned to power in April of that year, after briefly being ousted by a coup that was allegedly backed by the U.S. I wrote a little note to Kofi on the back of a napkin I found on the floor of the United Nations General Assembly room in 2002: "Ko-Nan, OMG! Do Not let those guys sit next to each other! LOL."

Just to show you how undeniably vindicated I am, here are some excerpts from President Bush's speech to the U.N. General Assembly on September 19, and excerpts from President Chavez's speech to the U.N. General Assembly the following day. (NOTE: These are all actual quotes - taken out of context - from Bush and Chavez's respective addresses to the U.N.):

Bush: At the start of the 21st century, it is clear that the world is engaged in a great ideological struggle between extremists who use terror as a weapon to create fear and moderate people who work for peace.

Chavez: Yesterday, the devil came here. Right here. Right here. And it smells of sulfur still today, this table that I am now standing in front of.

Bush: This morning I want to speak about the more hopeful world that is within our reach, a world beyond terror, where ordinary men and women are free to determine their own destiny ... This world can be ours, if we seek it and if we work together.

Chavez: Yesterday ... the president of the United States, the gentleman to whom I refer as the devil, came here, talking as if he owned the world. Truly. As the owner of the world.

Bush: Recently, a courageous group of Arab and Muslim intellectuals wrote me a letter. In it, they said this: The shore of reform is the only one on which any lights appear, even though the journey demands courage and patience and perseverance.

Chavez: I think we could call a psychiatrist to analyze yesterday’s statement by the president of the United States.

Bush: Together, we must support the dreams of good and decent people who are working to transform a troubled region. And by doing so, we will advance the high ideals on which this institution (U.N.) was founded.

Chavez: As the spokesman of imperialism, he came to share his nostrums, to try to preserve the current pattern of domination, exploitation and pillage of the peoples of the world.

Bush: Will we support the moderates and reformers who are working for change across the Middle East, or will we yield the future to the terrorists and extremists?

Chavez: Wherever he looks, he sees extremists. He looks at your color, and he says, ‘Oh, there’s an extremist.’

Bush: As liberty flourishes, nations grow in tolerance and hope and peace. And we're seeing that bright future begin to take root in the broader Middle East.

Chavez: An Alfred Hitchcock movie could use it as a scenario. I would even propose a title: ‘The Devil’s Recipe.’

Bush: We know that when people have a voice in their future, they are less likely to blow themselves up in suicide attacks.

Chavez: (Made the sign of the cross, brought his hands together as if in prayer and glanced toward the ceiling.) - David Stout, The New York Times

Bush: Thank you for your time. God bless.

Chavez: It smells of sulfur here, but God is with us, and I embrace you all. May God bless us all. Good day to you.

Vindicated.

Bedbug Outbreak in NYC

By now, even the naughtiest little boy knows that all his mommy wants him to do after tucking him in at night is to not let the bedbugs bite. Easily done, right? I never had a problem. Bedbugs - I learned early on - are funny because they're one of those "nearly eradicated" afflictions, like polio and Dutch elm disease. They barely exist. But guess what? They're back. The New York Times reports that the city’s Department of Housing Preservation and Development received 4,638 complaints about bedbugs this year. That's nearly five times the number of complaints received last year. I don't have to tell you that if this trend continues, by the year 2050, bedbugs will outnumber rats, mice, pigeons, cockroaches, lice, ants, spiders, turkeys, gnats, and grains of sand that have ever fallen on your sleepy little eyes combined. What could have possibly caused this sudden outbreak? Well, Ryan Trainer, a lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association, places the blame on the sale of reconditioned mattresses. “The filth from the used mattress that lies just beneath the new fabric cover of a reconditioned product can be astounding,” said Ryan Trainer, lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association. Yes, Ryan Trainer, lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association, it is astounding, but it's also something I believe I've heard before. Now, where was it? Oh, yes, I remember. It was I who said it. I wrote a letter to the Salvation Army National Headquarters in Alexandria, Virginia, which is dated March 19, 2002, and it said: "I do believe you are selling a large number of reconditioned mattresses... If you continue to sell these filthy things at the rate you do, I see no other conclusion than a sudden outbreak of bedbugs." I then forwarded my letter to bedbug expert Ryan Trainer, who's a lawyer for the International Sleep Products Association. And then I drank some breast milk from my mom's tit. Still. Vindicated.

American Apparel Is Creepy, Intriguing

By now, even the loneliest pervert can see that American Apparel models better shut their Goddamn mouths fore I smack em again! You see, I needs my money. I aint taking this shit no more. Now we's gonna drive around, they's gonna get it on, and I's gonna get paid if they don't want another black eye! I'm serious. Vindicated.

Hong Kong Hit By Earthquake Measuring 3.5

By now, the entire free world has heard that Hong Kong was hit by an earthquake measuring 3.5 on the Richter scale last Friday. The tremor was felt at about 7:53pm local time. I happened to be in Hong Kong at the time, and I told them it was an earthquake even when they were thinking it was just a truck passing by outside. And when, at 8:47pm, the Hong Kong Observatory officially announced that the disturbance was in fact an earthquake, I don't even need to tell you - especially Adam and Natasha - that I was so vindicated.

Sudan's Government Says Genocide is a "Misunderstanding"

By now, only the whitest of bigots doesn't know that the Darfur genocide is a myth. I'm so tired of racist Americans thinking that Africa is one giant hot-bed of mayhem. Sudan's junior foreign minister just said today that the whole thing is a myth perpetuated by 2 million vindictive refugees. But all these "civilized" peace-niks just can't accept that, just like they can't accept that the Sudanese people don't live in trees anymore. Hello, it's a desert! They don't have trees! Sudan is no less civilized than your own plantation lawn, so put down your candles and get back to burning those crosses, like you know you want to do. Seriously, I can't tell you how many times I've said, "just ignore it, folks, it's not true." But you racist protesters have a different agenda, I guess. I mean, this thing has supposedly been going on for three years. Three years? Do you really think the U.N. would allow such senseless brutality to go on for so long? Please. Vindicated.

Pope Better, By God, Be Sorry

By now, even God's most abhorred infidel knows that if the pope criticizes Muslim violence in a speech, his mindless remarks will only be returned with burnings and murder. I understood this perfectly, but there's a lack of sensitivity going around in Western countries, and it disturbs me. Most people I know (yes, the pope included) just don't get the Muslim mentality. In the Arab world, if someone says something untrue about you, the only way to prove them wrong is by first proving them right. It's a bit abstruse. Let me explain. In America, if someone calls me a bad person, I ignore him and then walk away to eat chocolate in my room. But in Arabland, if someone calls me a bad person, I'm allowed to shoot him in the face and burn down his house. Do you see the difference? I knew ole Pope Bumblypants XVI would screw up somehow, and I predicted this in a cartoon I drew for an early September, 2005, issue of The New Yorker. In the first panel, the pope is riding over some mountains on the back of a sheep, carrying a bucket of red paint and singing a Polish folk song. In the second panel, a group of Muslims have ripped off his skin and forced the sheep to eat his internal organs. Vindicated.

Just Give Me One Last Kiss

By now, any retard who's been chained to the wall of his parents' basement all his life even knows that Zach Braff needed to reinvent his career. Sure, Mr. Braff could have sailed on with that lovably inept boy-next-door persona he honed so effortlessly on "Scrubs" and then carried through to his first starring role in a major motion picture, Garden State. "But we need to see a deeper side of Zach Braff," I said in a lecture to my cinema studies students on February 12, 2004. "Braff needs to delve into his emotional reserves and leave this kid's stuff for Ashton Kutcher." And now, what are audiences all over America doing? They're flocking to theaters to see a more grown-up Mr. Braff take charge in The Last Kiss, a remake of an Italian film. That's right. An Italian film. Vindicated.

Child Psychologists Agree: "Two's Are Terrible"

By now, any numbskull knows a child's second year of life is deemed "terrible." It is indeed a trying time for parents and children alike. But you should also know that I, for one, didn't need someone else to tell me this. On April 28, 1981 - as verified by two witnesses, "Pop Pop" and "Gammy" - at only two years of age, I said, and I quote, "This is terrible." Vindicated.

Congressman Faces Up to 27 Months in Prison

By now, we all know that Representative Bob Ney, Republican of Ohio, has pleaded guilty to two federal criminal charges related to his dirty dealings with the nefarious Jack Abramoff. “The (plea) agreement will enable me to accept responsibility for what I have done," said Mr. Ney in a statement, "(and) to start repairing the damage I have caused and to start healing my family.” He also admitted that alcohol dependency had impaired his judgment, but I saw this all coming a long time ago. I have an audio tape of a conversation Jack and I had at the Round Robin Bar on Pennsylvania Ave. NW on June 9, 2003, recorded with the reel-to-reel I always carry in my briefcase, that occurred after Bob Ney excused himself to the restroom for the fifth time. I said, and I quote: "Jack, I'm telling you, that (sic) guy's got a drinking problem... he('s) not right in (the) head... it's (sic) falling down around him... definitely going to jail." Vindicated.

Crocodile Hunter Stabbed to Death by Stingray

By now, the entire world knows how famed Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin died when he was harpooned in the chest by a stingray while filming a documentary about the Great Barrier Reef. Steve had held an especially dangerous job, but all along I had been urging caution - not around crocodiles, mind you; but stingrays. "Crox R dangerous. I dun need 2 tell u that. But beware of other animals. Even stingrays can kill. TTYL," I wrote in a text message to Steve on Friday, July 21, 2006. Vindicated.